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Tuesday, April 11, 2006

 

Firestarter

I used to think that I had the power to make bad things happen by simply having bad thoughts about people. Kind of like Karma, but my own evil thoughts made bad things happen to other people instead of myself. The whole concept is like a double-whammy version of Catholicism twisted with warped reverse Karma. The real kicker being that my impure thoughts didn’t result in MY soul’s eternal damnation. Instead, my impure thoughts and feelings of rage resulted in bad things happening to other people. Bad things happened to people towards whom I was having feelings of anger, frustration, jealousy and what-have-you. I considered myself a “Firestarter” of sorts but instead of bursting into flames, people I was angry with would end up with strange serious injuries.

This started when I was 24 years old and recovering from a devastating break-up. It went something like this:

Era: approximately 1995.

The Characters: Me and J

Me: Totally washed up at the age of 24. I have been chronically cheated on and lied to. About 20 people I considered to be friends all knew all about it and never said a thing to me. I am humiliated and depressed and I trust no one but the close friends I have grossly neglected for the entire duration of this relationship.

I am a quivering pool of insecurity. I am ugly and no one will ever love me again. I let myself get fat. I am ashamed that I didn’t have the guts to end this sooner than I did. I live with my parents and I have no money. I hate all my clothes (this was before we all realized that high-waisted pants with big belts look good on no one). I work in a day-care center. I have no career aspirations. I still have not finished that independent study standing between me and my bachelor’s degree. My parents think I will never graduate from college. I have never experienced such rage, anger and humiliation in my life and I have no idea where to put these feelings. I hate him for betraying me and treating me like the sniveling needy spineless person I am. I also hate the stupid old woman he is cavorting around town with (she was 6 years his senior at the elderly age of 30). DAMN him for doing this to me!

J: 24 years old and in the midst of a mack-daddy transformation. Transformed from sweet, sincere, sensitive loving young man to soul-less cheating lying metrosexual before my very eyes. I was completely bamboozled. He got a job as a buyer of better dresses for a high-end department store, further supporting my theory that he was gay. He was gay and didn’t have the heart to tell me. Because, why else would he not want ME unless he was one hundred percent GAY? He started a relationship with a woman I suspect he started seeing before we broke up. She was 6 years his senior (30! Gasp!).

Subsequent Injuries: He broke his foot badly playing soccer and was stuck in a cast for several months. This limited his ability to womanize and gallivant around as a prototypical metrosexual. I was convinced my ire had led to his injury.

Two years later his girlfriend, the same one I suspect he started dating before we broke up, fell down the stairs at her sister’s house and broke her back. Her injuries left her paraplegic and in a wheelchair. This happened on my birthday.

Her injuries left me reeling with guilt. I was convinced that my deep-rooted feelings of rage had caused her accident to happen. How could I have been so hateful? What the Hell was wrong with me? I was overcome with anxiety until my friend Jen reminded me of something: THE WORLD DOESN’T REVOLVE AROUND ME.

Oh yeah. That’s right. I am an insignificant speck on a dust mite in the mattress of a total superior being. I am totally insignificant. I never thought that realization would be so soothing to my soul. I was liberated by the cold hard truth. The Universe spins with little or no regard to my feelings or my wishes. How wonderful.

13 Comments:

Blogger Rob Boshaw said...

Maybe their bad karma just caught up with them...

Personally, I believe in paying for good karma in advance by putting up with crap first.

Haven't checked in lately - glad to see you're still writing!

10:57 AM  
Blogger Prego said...

Thank god nobody poured pig blood on you at the prom. All sh*t would have broken loose.

Oh... And I hope that's the last time you let yourself get chubby because of a dude. We're just not worth it.


Love,
p

11:10 AM  
Blogger Dawn said...

You know, I also believe that the cosmic circle definately moves. When you do unjust things, they will come back for you.

Hard.

3:47 PM  
Blogger Amanda Marlaena said...

I had someone cheat on me in a large social context as well. I firmly believe that people who behave in such inexplicably cruel ways are constantly living in a cesspool of bad karma.

The very act of treating someone so callously and disrespectfully has to be miserable. Not that all people who engage in such treachery have guilty feelings about it ... but on a subconscious level, running around like that just can't be the kind of life anyone would want, regardless of how high the quality of dresses one would get to buy by profession.

So, I think the punishment is in the doing of the bad (this tenet is the inverse of "the gift is in the giving"), and then there is the ongoing misery that naturally ensues. When one lives from a place of disconnectedness to others, for which blatant disloyalty certainly qualifies, one is bound to fall down stairs, make stupid mistakes in soccer that yield to sufferable injuries, etc.

That was a long way of saying that it sounds like both of them were pretty miserable to begin with. So, no, you didn't start the fire!

6:33 PM  
Blogger Prego said...

neither did billy joel.

10:39 AM  
Blogger mothergoosemouse said...

Hmmmm. I've seen karma do a number on people who've wronged me. But the scientist in me always remembered that correlation does not imply causation. As much as I would have enjoyed that sort of power, of course.

11:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

girlfriend it is called Karma...and you got it, just mislabeled it, lol

Jerri Ann
jareason@gmail.com
www.acracknlife.squarespace.com

12:22 PM  
Anonymous TB said...

I can really relate to this. I still do it sometimes, until I remind myself that it's not really about me. I have to remind myself of that a LOT :o)

4:38 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

I bitterly hated my stepmother, who was a bitch to me, and she died of a brain tumor. Top that!

5:33 PM  
Blogger Mary Tsao said...

All I know is that I swear I will never do anything to piss you off. I promise! Don't hurt me!

8:45 PM  
Anonymous roo said...

I definitely fear bringing on the wrath of the gods by saying mean things, or by speaking with too much assurance of a bad fate being averted, but I'd never considered that the wrath might be inflicted on my enemies (I tend to worry more about loved ones being taken away as punishment for my arrogance.)

A whole new set of neuroses to dive into headfirst!

You're right about the knowledge of personal insignificance sometimes being a comfort...

8:41 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

Hey... If he's the same guy I met years ago... he was/is definetely gay! You rock Meghan. Don't ever doubt that again.

C

12:40 PM  
Anonymous madge said...

I think you're looking at this very special skill in the wrong light. This is a very marketable trait. You could rent yourself out and screwthatjerkwhowrongedyou.com.

I hear you on that realization that world doesn't revolve around you. That absolution is such a relief.

5:10 AM  

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