Putting the "MO" in MOFO since 2004

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Wednesday, May 17, 2006


Organic Ecstacy

Clean up in aisle nine! Clean up in aisle nine! My head just exploded out of sheer ecstatic, orgasmic joy in the middle of TRADER JOE’S. Yeah, you heard me, TRADER FREAKING JOE’S BEEEEE-YATCH! In MINNESOTA, Yah, You Betcha! TRADERFUCKINGJOES YEAHTHATSWHATISAIDTRADERFUCKINGJOES!

“AAAAAAH!” Do you hear the chorus singing? The Birds chirping? What a beautiful noise! What an orgasmic, exquisite, beautiful place!

Half of the frozen food section had been pillaged and plundered by overeager Scandinavians during the Grand opening. There were rows of empty shelves and bins, and I was still just like a kid in a candy store, I tell you. My limbs trembled as I ran a finger across the nitrite-free organic beef hot dogs. I held back the tears for a while, and then finally let go, and began to sob. And then, I sniffled my way through the sauces! Jars of Yellow Curry Sauce! Marsala Sauces! Marinated meats! I walked out, exhausted, with 5 bags of groceries and several bottles of wine. My strength, it was gone. All used up in the ecstasy and all. But Mama’s going back. Oh yeah. Mama’s going back. If there is breath left in her body, Mama will be back, Trader Joe.

Mama’s got a new Daddy. His name is Trader Joe.

I will say to my husband, “Now, now, baby. It’s okay! Stop your crying. Mama still loves you! There’s enough love for two men in mama’s heart! You love me and our baby! You mow the lawn so good, baby! And then Mama’s got Joe. Don’t feel bad, because Joe makes Mama real happy, and no one’s happy if Mama’s not happy. So you understand baby, don’t you?”

So get ready for me Joe, because I’ll be back. Big Boy. OH YEAH I’LL BE BACK! And you KNOW what I’m talking about. Meow.


Blogger EverydaySuperGoddess said...

I must have just missed you, I was there at lunchtime today, too.

There was more stuff on the shelves yesterday.

And, er, the day before.

So... so what if I've been there every day since it opened on Monday? It's not like I'm obsessed or anything.

But I totally calle dibs on him first, so BACK OFF! BEYATCH!

2:46 PM  
Anonymous Denise said...

That is so not fair! Do you know what I'm going to do while I am at Blogher? I am going to damn Trader Joe's because there is not one down here in Florida.

But yesterday I found out they are getting a Trader Joe's in Charleston, SC - my old hometown! Where my oldest daughter lives! She won't even appreciate it and she's getting one.

So not fair!

2:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm not familiar with TRader Joes although I've heard a lot about them...enjoy

Jerri Ann

3:56 PM  
Blogger jennster said...

LMFAO- omg, you are a total hyper freak... LIKE ME!

5:14 PM  
Blogger Dawn said...

You never have to fake it with Joe. Never.

5:58 PM  
Blogger DDM said...

Aaawwww yeeah boyeee!!!! TJ's ROCKS!! I go specifically for the 2 Buck Chuck (Charles Shaw Wine-YUM!) and the shrimp Gyoza. Divine. Trader Joe's is my church.

9:57 PM  
Blogger Rude Cactus said...

So, I'm guessing you're just a little excited by TJ...

5:38 AM  
Anonymous TB said...

It is a great store. The cheese, the wine, the inexpensive spices and coffee... Sigh. I'll miss it when we move to Florida.

8:21 AM  
Anonymous Meredith said...

I don't know what I would do without Trader Joes. I go there every week and never ever get sick of the selections. Problem is I can't seem to get out without being $100 poorer. I guess it is cheaper than actual crack..

10:03 AM  
Blogger Tree said...

I am so jealous!!


10:45 AM  
Anonymous Izzy said...

I totally understand your excitement. I about peed myself when our Wild Oats finally opened. And almost peed myself again when I went yesterday and saw all the things I missed the first time. We don't have Trader Joes here, at least not in my part of Florida, but I understand it's the bomb diggety.

Congrats :)

8:02 AM  
Blogger Muriel said...

Ooooh! I totally miss TJ's...We had them all over when we lived in Arizona. Up here in Montana, not a single one...We travel to Oregon every 6 months or so and we always stock up with what we can!! You're so lucky!

10:15 AM  
Blogger E. said...

When oh when will we get one in my town? I always visit when I travel the couple hours to Chicago, but it's not enough. I've been pining for Joe ever since I left California 11 years ago...

2:33 PM  
Blogger mrsmogul said...

I've never been to Trader Joes, Is he a relative of Sears?

12:45 AM  
Anonymous amy said...

Oh. We love Trader Joe's. So many toddler friendly foods. Current fave of my bean - the turkey meatballs. Just microwave a few and tada - lunch.

8:16 AM  
Blogger Sarah said...

In Florida why can we only get a Whole Paycheck and not a Trader Joes?

8:56 AM  
Blogger Carmen said...

We FINALLY got a TJ's near, about 45 minutes away. I've only been once - I can't afford it but so often.

But, oh, how much fun it was.....

9:22 AM  
Blogger Mary Tsao said...

I've been doin' Trader Joe's for years, but I'm willing to share. He's good, isn't he?

Try the frozen Orange Chicken. It's chinese food in 20 minutes. Yum. Kids love it, too.

7:10 PM  
Blogger Suebob said...

Joe will change your life.

Don't even try the Banana Crisps (dry fruit section) because they are like crack.

9:40 PM  
Blogger Prego said...

Give me Guercio & Sons any day of the week (in an entirely non-gay fashion...).

8:13 AM  
Anonymous madge said...

I'm going to go cry.

I heard there was a petition to bring TJs to Maine floating around the interweb, but I've yet to find it. Blast!

6:28 AM  

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