Putting the "MO" in MOFO since 2004

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Monday, June 12, 2006


a dollar bill in your thong for your thoughts

Overheard after spending 1.5 hours in a state of near-tears with a nice, diminutive shoe salesman trying to find rare and coveted size 11 shoes that don’t accentuate my bunions:

Skinny, skanky, knock-kneed stripper, buying stinky, skanky shoes at the cash register. She may only be 19, but she’s got some hard years clocked on the meter. She lifts up a pair of size 9 red pumps and reveals to the rest of the patrons her IQ, which is exponentially small, particularly when compared to the enormous size of her mouth and her fake boobs:

“Oh my GOD THESE ARE HUGE! I don’t know what I would do if my feet were this big! Like, if I had feet this big, I would never leave the house!” (saying this to hoochie stripper #2, who by way of keeping her mouth shut, revealed a somewhat higher level of intelligence than skank #1).

Overly sensitive, indignant, and easily offended woman standing next to me:

“Some of us just can’t help the way we were born!”

Then easily-offended-large footed woman grabbed her bag of enormous shoes and marched off.

I lovingly stroked my size 11 Coach wedges, shook my head, and smiled kindly at big-boobs-tiny-brain. I smiled because she appeared to lack sense, and the fact that she said something that moronic in front of 6 women in the shoe department made me want to follow her around for an afternoon to see what other asininely stupid, amusing, insulting things she might say within earshot of perfect strangers.

I have huge, terrible feet, and yet I leave the house darn near every single day. No, Really! I DO! People Magazine is all over me for a special interest feature detailing me, my size 11 feet, and the courage I muster up every day just putting shoes on my big-ass dogs and walking out the door thus exposing my huge feet to the cruel, cruel world. Life is not kind to those of us with size 11 Zapatos. And yes, it’s hard. I cry myself to sleep and dream of tiny, narrow, strappy sandals.

Did you know they stop offering half sizes after size 10? It’s really quite insulting. As though to say “Your feet are so big, half sizes don’t matter anymore. They don’t matter because you are a fucking Amazon freak with enormous appendages. In fact, don’t even bother with shoes. Take a box-cutter to a rubber tire, affix a few rubber bands and off you go sasquatch! And while you’re at it, try some hormone therapy for your man-hands!"

But really, I’ll take my life and my sasquatch feet over whatever big-boobs-small-brain has got going on with her hooker shoes, presumably meant to show off kicking up her tiny feet while pole-swinging in front of legions of leering old men. Really. I’ll keep the feet.

And that, my friends, is why I refrained from kicking her a good one in the gut with my size 11, unbearably awful Alice-the-Goon feet.


Blogger Annie said...

I read your profile - I am sorry to say, it only gets worse. I am now a grandmother with a 15 year old boy still at home. No husband, working a full time job and taking care of my two story colonial while driving a Dodge Neon.

I am counting on the next life - may God bless you, indeed.

12:47 PM  
Anonymous mothergoosemouse said...

My size 6 feet and I are keeping quiet. What a nitwit that chick must be.

1:23 PM  
Anonymous Jess said...

I've carried the ladies size ten cross for many years now, and I'm still a functioning human being.

Although, there was that one time at a bar when I guy looked down at my sandals and exclaimed, "Holy crap! You have big feet!" Off my withering glare, he continued weakly, " . . .like a model." Later he tried to kiss me and I was all, get away from me before I put my sasquatch sized foot up your ass.

Ahem. Not bitter. Not at all.

1:27 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

One of my former preachers and her family wore nothing less than a size 10 and most of them were a size 11 or higher. And they left the house every day. I should email them to alert them big boobs small brains would be mortified to see them. Mwa hahhahah

4:07 PM  
Blogger Jerri Ann said...

girlfriend I would have been dying to say something. My feet aren't but like an 8 1/2 but folks around here think that is huge...that girl needed someone to knock her in the knee's and maybe pinch her nipples off

6:03 PM  
Anonymous madge said...

I'm 5'4" with size 9 feet. Yes, a little imbalanced. But, I've always felt this was the preferrable imbalance. I wouldn't want to be huge on top with teeny-tiny feet. Sort of like a Weeble...

When I first met my MIL, we were swimming in her association pool. I was floating with my feet up. She says in her NY accented semi-shriek, "Those feet are ENORMOUS!"

I regarded her size 5-1/2 feet at the end of her very short, very wide body and started humming "Weebles wobble but they don't fall down!"

6:28 PM  
Blogger Prego said...

Thank goodness you showed restraint. There's no telling what kind of blunt trauma your Magilla Gorilla trotters might have inflicted on Stripper-tits.

By the way, I've got a friend with an "Irish Whisper" who is a constant source of entertainment at the checkout line.

Case #1
At a 'party' store... A woman is in front of us stocking up on festive napkins and decorations for the 4th of July:

Cashier - $35.63
'Skip' - God... I wish I had forty bucks to spend on crap.

Case #2
Seedy 'Italian' pizza place with tons of gaudy photographs with the proprietor's family in an assortment of poses (famous customers and that ilk).

'Skip' - Hey, check out the guido chick. You can actually see her get progressively fatter in these shots.
Prego - (quietly) Dude. Shut the fuck up before these dagos throw us in the river.
'Skip' - Aaaah. They can't hear us.

PS - My son would love you. He seems to have a bit of a foot fetish... When he was 2 he used to rub the feet on a model in a promotional poster. I've caught him touching the feet of our babysitter, too. Your size 11s might be like a king's feast for him.

6:56 PM  
Anonymous TB said...

Good lord people are stupid. But mostly when I overhear stupidity, I keep my mouth shut and just chuckle to myself. Although every once in a while I have to let it out and it only feels good for a minute before you realize that the stupid person in question has their head so far up their own ass, they don't really have a clue how stupid they are.

8:32 AM  
Anonymous Meredith said...

Size 10 checking in here! I dunno, yes, sometimes I can't find the cool shoes in my size but it never really bothered me much that I have big feet. I guess I should call big boobs and ask her if, while hiding at home, I should cry all the time or eat bonbons or both?

12:32 PM  
Blogger Sarah said...

Another size 10. And good lord if I dont' get sick of the comments about my feet being like canoes, or tobaggans, or whatever other mode of transportation people want to compare my feet to.

It was worse before I moved to Michigan - it's easier to find big shoes here than it was in California.

(Did your feet get bigger w/ pregnancy? With both of my pregnancies, I kept praying, PLEASE don't let my feet get bigger... fortunately, they stayed put).

6:14 AM  
Anonymous Izzy said...

I used to be a 9 but after two babies, I'm closer to a 10 and I'm fine with it other thannot being able to wear all my cool old shoes *sigh*

Stripper Idiot Girl should consider staying in the house for lack of IQ points instead...

7:25 PM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

I think actually some of us can help the way we were born--thus the enormoboobs, no?

Signed, a sympathetic 6 1/2

12:50 PM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

I became a size 10 during pregnancy, and never went back.

Am lamenting the fact that my closet full of pretty size 8s will now go to waste. But am drooling a bit at the thought of some bog Coach wedges....

1:27 PM  
Blogger Dawn said...

I was unaware the the size of one's feet was pertinant. I am always MUCH more interested in the quality of the shoe wear. So Coach wedges? You WIN, YOU WIN - in the Dawn book of footwear.

4:04 PM  
Anonymous motherhooduncensored said...

I'm a size ten and an almost 6 ft half asian. Take me with you and we'll scare the living crap out of her.

At least it'll give me something to do with my newly coined - thanks to my husband - sasquatch feet.

7:24 PM  

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