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Friday, August 18, 2006

 

My head has eyes. Eyes which I now want to scrub with clorox bleach

Warning: Spoiler Ahead.

If any of you all were thinking of seeing the movie "The Hills Have Eyes" I want to make sure that what happened to me, doesn't happen to you. Save yourselves. Please. Let my poor judgement be a lesson to you all.

Is there some kind of a magnet I can swipe my head past to erase the memory of this film? I would forget all about romping around with my daughter earlier in the evening, and perhaps my name and the names of my loved ones, but I would still gladly come out the victor, just for deleting this atrocious movie from my brain. I want my brain back in it's previous near-pristine condition.

I can recommend a few alternatives that can similate the experience of this movie for you that mercifully, don't involve actually watching it.

Look up the level three sex offender list in Appalachia, examine their photographs closely, and read detailed accounts of the crimes. Then watch "Deliverance". Then, carefully study a pile of gutted dog carcasses. Draw your own rendering of the pile of dog carcasses. Get the dog carcasses BURNED IN YOUR BRAIN.

Then read the last chapter of "The Grapes of Wrath", except instead of an emaciated geriatric dustbowl geezer suckling on Rose-of-Sharon, picture a murderous three eyed, rotten-toothed deformed radiation victim Hill-Dweller. Who then kills Mommy with a gunshot to her face, and steals the baby (because he wants to eat it with both his teeth). Then, in your now totally disturbed and damaged mind, hunt the funky man down, puncture his skull with a nail on the end of a two-by-four and watch the blood shoot out with alarming velocity. THEN, imagine the man with a lumpy, veiny, 75 pound head who can't get out of his rocking chair (because of his 75 pound head). Imagine freaky cranium guy walkie talkie-ing someone with an order to kill the baby and eat her. Then, imagine finally saving the baby, but not before her grandpa is beaten severely and then burned to death in a tree with his children and wife watching and screaming and carrying on.

I won't even mention what happens to Grandma and Auntie. Those would be gratuitously violent details.

If you, like I, enjoy things like having an appetite which allows you to ingest food, and possessing a general sense of well-being, do all the things I mentioned above instead of seeing this movie. You will only be one fourth as nauseated and mentally disturbed as I felt after watching this film.

It's that bad. Consider this a public service announcement.

Thank you for your consideration.

15 Comments:

Blogger Karen Rani said...

Ugh. I have no interest in seeing that movie. None. Ever since I had PPD, I cannot watch horror or gore. It makes me physically ill. I hear this movie is one of the worst for that sort of thing. Gotta wonder who thinks up this stuff.

8:04 AM  
Blogger Lin said...

Okay, so you beat me. Your movie-going experience was worse than mine! My last post was about a crap movie Roger and I saw.

So, just for the record, don't rush out and see "La Moustache" and I won't rush out and see the Hill one. Promise.

8:38 AM  
Anonymous Y said...

Your description alone has me rethinking eating lunch. Ew.

11:25 AM  
Anonymous TB said...

I hate bloody gory movies but every now and then against my better judgement I'll watch one. Well, I should say I watch about 1/4 of it, the rest involves me sitting scrunched into a tight ball with my fingers in my ears and hands over my eyes.

1:52 PM  
Blogger Prego said...

Daaaah... That's why I love you... 'cuz you funny.

Great review. Always love those "Deliverance" references. I came across this gem while doing some artwork.

"Squeeeeeal like a pig."

2:49 PM  
Blogger Amanda Marlaena said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12:24 AM  
Blogger Amanda Marlaena said...

Yikes ... and I thought I was sorry for going to see "John Tucker Must Die" in a weak moment. (Note: I am 32 years old, not 13.) So glad my movie selection was not THE worst one out there ... thanks for the warning. I shall steer clear.

And now, for my own Public Service Announcement: "World Trade Center" was heartwarming; it restored my faith in humanity, and it just might do the same for you ... even though you feel as though it has been destroyed by the evil movie you critiqued with such hilarity and good will (toward those of us who did not see the movie and still have virgin eyes).

12:27 AM  
Anonymous Elizabeth said...

I generally like "scary" movies, but that one sounds completely unnecessary.

If you don't like seeing people's heads explode, don't see "Final Destination 3". Trust me.

8:41 AM  
Anonymous Jenny said...

This review would send about a million teens running to see this movie...thankfully it'll save me $7.

thanks!

8:57 AM  
Blogger DDM said...

EEEEK! I don't do gore or suspense movies. I spend WAY too many nights at home alone on 1&1/3 acre of partially wooded land. When my husband is overnight at the fire station, I hear EVERY noise. If I were to watch a scary movie, I wouldn't sleep for a month. Thanks for the warning though. Should I get a hankerin' for some good old fashioned blood and guts, I'll steer clear of this one for sure.

11:49 AM  
Blogger Jenny said...

How is it that you even went to see that? Seriously?

I can't do gore. Or horror. Or hell, suspense. Am big wussy.

6:14 PM  
Blogger Dawn said...

I can't watch those moives either. I couldn't even watch the commericals for Scream, cause the Munch painting was ruined for me and caused nightmares.

But it kind of reminds me of that one X-Files ....the one that skeeved me out.

6:38 PM  
Blogger Jaime Mintun said...

Your experience with this movie is exactly like mine was a couple years ago with "Cabin Fever." Images from that horrible movie are still seared into my brain.

Thanks for the warning, though I had already figured I wouldn't want to see it. =)

Also, can you email me at jaimemintun@blogtalkradio.com? You've been selected as one of our semi-finalists for our series and I have some info I need to email you.

Thanks!
Jaime

1:53 PM  
Blogger Virenda said...

First off I was stupid enough to rent this piece of crap off my TV and let me tell you, I still feel icky.

The movie was stupid and it was all. over glorified violence, but the once scene (you know it) is the one that will stay with me in my gut. I HATED this movie with a passion and wish that I could erase those 15 minutes from my mind.

I can not even iterate how much I hated this movie.

5:53 PM  
Anonymous Nancy said...

I like horror movies, so I had actually thought about seeing this one. But even before reading your experience, I had second thoughts (partially because I knew there were going to be kids involved, and I couldn't see that stuff happening.) Certainly now I will heed your advice. Thank you for saving me from several sleepless nights.

5:48 AM  

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