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Tuesday, January 16, 2007


Golden Globe Recap, courtesy of my sisters and me

There are no better people to watch award shows with than my sisters. We perfected the concept of Mystery Science Theater 2000, but we did it first, and our commentary was on Little House on the Prairie instead of cheesy science fiction films. Our breakdown of last nights events:

The good:

Meryl Streep: She was one of the very few people who had anything of interest to say all evening. We loved her. Talented, intelligent, funny and Self-deprecating.

Helen Mirren: I hear she swears like a sailor, which makes her A-ok in our book. I think she had an ass-out wardrobe malfunction. The world may have gotten a glimpse of her undies. How embarrassing….. NBC was kind enough to move the camera angle up a bit. Crises averted.

Forrest Whitaker: Still deciding if he was veklempt or drug-addled during his acceptance speech. At any rate, he is a top notch actor who I wouldn’t mind seeing more of.

Reese Witherspoon: Just as we expected as a pending divorcee, she looked va-va-voom, yet classy, in a fitted yellow sheath. Go Reese. Your soon-to-be-ex is only invited to the ceremony when he's your date. Which he's not! Eat your heart out Ryan Whatsyourname!

Jennifer Hudson: Haven’t seen dreamgirls yet, but I hear she earned it. Plus I think she’s gorgeous. The speech went from cute to kind of sad very quickly though.

Borat: He livened things up, which was desperately needed. Particularly following the seemingly never-ending monologue of Warren Beatty. At this point, talk of testicles and trapped anal gasses was a merciful oasis of respite from droll, monotonous, privileged old man-speak.

Alec Baldwin: The man is funny. I want to dislike him, but I can't.

Kate Winslet: Would someone let this woman win an award for God’s sake? How many times can she be nominated and NOT win??? Did anyone SEE Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind? Didn’t freaking Hilary Swank win that year? Have these people been lobotomized?

Little Miss Sunshine: Why the Hell Didn’t Allen Arkin get a nomination for best supporting actor? Seriously. What kind of dimwits are in charge of these nominations?
Why did this movie not win an award?

Two words. Totally. Robbed.

Best Golden Getup: TIE!

Drew Barrymore, who looked lush and fit in her pink column dress, but not weird and skinny.

Tina Fey, who rocked her black lace cocktail dress with her trademark wit and smart sex appeal.

The Bad:

Brangelina: Enough with these two. Please. Make it stop. We speculated whether they would adopt a Slovakian Prostitute on Hollywood Boulevard on their way home from the ceremony. We did wish Ryan flaming-bag-of-poo would have asked Brad how Jen was doing…

Warren Beatty: STOP. TALKING. Old. Man. No wonder his wife was downing champagne like a flapper in a speakeasy. The man is a windbag, and copious amounts of champagne are required to make him tolerable.

Tom Hanks: The man was puffy. Like DOUGHY puffy. Has he been club hopping with Britney? Someone needs to slap the saltshaker out of his hand asap.

Kyra Sedgewick: Her scattered speech was cute for about 5 seconds, until she thanked her lawyer and about 42 members of her red-tape posse. Not. Good. Or. Interesting.

Eddie Murphy: Heard he was good in “Dreamgirls”. The whole Scary Spice “It’s not mine” thing is just so Steve Bing. Yuck.

Beyonce: It would be refreshing to see her not look cheap, with boobs, bootie, and bad hair all flailing simultaneously, competing for attention.

Two Words: Run Amok.

Arnold: WTF? “BAAAAHBul”????????

The Donald: Again, WTF? Fortunately his wife Melania chose a hairstyle that covered most of her face, which she apparently sharpens into angular points with some kind of tool on a regular basis. While pouting.

Jamie Foxx: Why does he shape his hairline into a square??????? Seriously! WHY???

And finally, the so bad it was good:

Angelina Jolie, during the Ryan Seacrest Interview. Her expression during his interview was priceless. She appeared to have set her eyes on a flaming bag of dog poo, but the bag of flaming dog poo was trying to interview her, and the bag of flaming dog poo was also Ryan Seacrest. Who, based on her expression, also smells like a bag of flaming dog poo.

America Ferrara Interview: Who was the dumbshit in charge of her post-win interview? The woman who started the interview by saying something like “So America, How do you feel about the producers not wanting you for this role?” She may as well have followed up with “Because no one wanted you, because you are not pretty enough. And no one likes you. In fact they HATE you. EVERYBODY HATES YOU. ”

Our take: The dumbshit interview lady had gone up for the part of Ugly Betty and lost to American Ferrara. Her resentment squeaked out like a fart from Gwynneth Paltrow.

And Finally, the Ads:

Target ads: Still Weighing in on the ad campaign. We do admire their unabashed promotion of the consumption of stuff by the modern yuppie (who has perfected the art of the discreet consumption of SUBTLE class ranking status symbols). It’s totally hipster chic to buy loads and loads of crap from Target for your home and your dog and your baby and your garage. As long as it’s stylish crap designed by professional DESIGNERS. And as long as they use hip, new (ripped off) versions of classic songs to sell them.

As my sister Betsy pointed out, since M.J. hit the skids financially, he seems to have sold off his Beatles rights at bargain basement prices in order to pay the lawyers who have thus far kept his tiny pedophilic rear end out of jail. He apparently sold them all to Target.

Orville Redenbacher: We thought it would have been more inventive, and far less cheesy, to have used a computer generated version of his rotting corpse to promote their popcorn.

If you're going to air a commercial that's creepy and spooky (albeit, seemingly inadvertantly), you're better off making it REALLY creepy and spooky.

Until Next time. Julie, Meghan, Molly and Betsy.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Beatty rules! He was the best thing on stage last night. We're not worthy.

2:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you forgot the completely retarded citibank commercial of the guy riding a fake bike.

6:59 PM  
Blogger Refinnej said...

I'm happy to know someone else is questioning Jamie Foxx's hair. WTF is that?!

9:10 PM  
Anonymous madge said...

Ah ha! An amusing and thorough recap. Although, I was also left wondering if Brad Pitt had injected collagen or his own, admittedly minimal, ass fat into his top lip.

It's tough keeping up with a much younger lady, I guess.

7:55 AM  
Anonymous TB said...

So right on about Warren Beatty. Dude really just needs to go back to retirement. And I thought the SAME thing when I heard that idiot interviewing America Ferrera. Why did it seem like everyone was talking down to her? I didn't get that at all.

8:29 AM  
Anonymous pamela hornik said...

We were shocked at that creepy Orville Redinbacker (sp?) ad. We had to replay it twice.

11:21 AM  
Blogger San Mateo said...

Great stuff! I missed the show (I'm so lame) but this was just as good. Better would have been to watch it with you four!

BTW, I saw that house hunters re-run the other day that include footage of you pregnant and drinking (j/k -- I know it was root beer or something). Your friends are too funny; that was a good show.

12:35 PM  
Blogger Mary Tsao said...

oops, san mateo is me, Mary!

12:37 PM  
Anonymous Mom2One said...

Bizarre confession: I didn't even watch The Golden Globes, and this post is still funny!!

1:46 PM  
Blogger DDM said...

*Snort* I wish I could have been there to watch it with you all!

4:53 PM  
Anonymous Elizabeth said...

I didn't watch The Golden Globes, so thanks for the recap! You and your sisters are funny!! I need to know from someone who has seen Dreamgirls if it's really worth all this hype, though.

7:56 PM  
Anonymous L.A. Daddy said...

I agree on Little Miss Sunshine. A simply perfect movie.

The "Borat" speech was my highlight. If anyone was on the fence about seeing that movie on DVD, they probably fell over the fence and added it to their Netflix queue while the Globes were still on...

3:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have only a few words to say: Missed the show but this blog was as good as being there and ...

The singing by Hudson in DREAMGIRLS was almost like a religious experience. Mzzz Hudson stole the ENTIRE show with her big voice, big lips, big body and big talent. Still, everyone in that movie did swell jobs: Jamie Fox, Eddie Murphy, Beyonce etc. This was one terrific show. pjindy

4:18 PM  

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