Putting the "MO" in MOFO since 2004

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Tuesday, January 09, 2007


Performance Improvement Plan

Dear Meghan’s Brain,

I regret to inform you that you have been put on a performance improvement plan (also given the sprightly name of “PIP” in the illustrious world of sales).

This is not a punishment, but an action plan for improvement that we shall work together. Because you are sucking wind with no identifiable end in sight. No offense.

If a sufficient amount of progress has not been made by the end of the term specified, we will have to terminate our professional relationship and send you elsewhere for gainful employment with the best of luck and perhaps a letter of recommendation if you promise not to take legal retaliatory action.
The factors leading to this intervention:

Your lack of output of anything that might be considered funny or witty.

Even it the words “might” “funny” or “witty” are used liberally and / or sympathetically. Writing about how you don’t have anything to write is worse than not writing at all. Don’t even think about it, this will count against your progress.

Your lack of measurable production.

Staring blankly at “Law and Order” reruns is not considered productive. Neither is eating microwave popcorn, sighing regularly, or snapping at your spouse for repeatedly asking questions at the exact moment you begin to doze off in front of said “Law and Order” reruns. Neither is washing your hair every third day, or gazing out the window at the snowless landscape which serves as a visual reminder of the reality of global warming which is then quickly moved to the “don’t think about that kind of thing” part of your brain, the area of which is growing at an alarmingly exponential rate. You might want to consider leasing the property next door for more storage space.

Your general attitude.

Your habit of taking things in the worst way imaginable and moping in a stew of injured feelings is really not adding much to your well being, or the well being of those around you. Buck the fuck up. Just because you read “The Bell Jar” and watched “Sylvia” in the same week does not give you license to mope or validate your own fragile sanity by comparing it to that of a person who ended up sticking her head in the oven.

Suggestions for improvement:

Do not read literature produced by any author who ended their own life. At least until May, when the increased daylight is likely to improve your general attitude.

Write something worth reading every day. Even if it takes you twenty lame attempts.

Get out of the house and talk to others in social situations. Sooner than later.

Exercise. Preferably outside.

As for “Law and Order” reruns, that may require some kind of an intervention. Let’s not take on more than we can handle. We will address this item at a later date.

We will review progress weekly. If you don’t comply with the aforementioned requirements, you will be unceremoniously dismissed with nothing beyond perhaps a small obligatory superficial acknowledgement of our 34 year relationship, to perhaps make this seem less severe than it is, in reality. It’s not that we don’t like you. We just don’t want you to work here anymore. It’s just business.


Meghan’s cold and unfeeling department of Human Resources.


Blogger Jerri said...

De-lurking to say that was very entertaining....see you still have it all bundled up inside you...

10:50 AM  
Blogger Michael Manning said...

I could see "Larry King Live" doing a story on this cool post! I loved it.


5:21 PM  
Anonymous TB said...

Oy the January blahs. This month does seem to go on forever doesn't it?

7:40 AM  
Blogger Donna said...

Gosh, Meghan, we all go through these periods when everything is blah. I think these might be necessary "recharging" periods and precede times of amazing creativity. Don't sweat it, hon -- you're still as awesome as ever.

9:47 AM  
Anonymous mothergoosemouse said...

I thought you said you were going to be nicer to yourself... :)

Seriously, you're funny. And I'll read and enjoy whatever and whenever you choose to share.

4:46 PM  

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