Putting the "MO" in MOFO since 2004

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Friday, April 13, 2007


Letting the mojo go

It's pretty amazing how a good night's sleep and a little bit of sunshine, along with NORMAL average temperatures (I am currently giving winter, and all cold weather systems thinking of heading towards the upper midwest the big, fat, FINGER) can make you feel like the world is right, once again.

I am not yet getting any unsolicited questions about the contents of my expanding belly. I will be soon though, as it's getting harder and harder to suck in the old gut. I am feeling the annoyingly familiar creaks and pains that occur when your center of gravity shifts (this is a precursor to the entire center of your universe shifting, at least it did with the first child). The funky sharp pain in my left upper buttock is back, whispering "remember me?" every time I get up from a sitting position. I also sigh with meaning, getting in and out of cars and chairs.

Speaking of expanding bellies:

WHY, oh why, doesn't anyone make a decent pair of maternity pants? Like some nice comfortable drawstring pants one could wear to work? What happened to the drawstring?

Do people not understand that it's not just the belly that expands? My ass will soon have it's own zip code. I just don't understand those women perusing the racks at Mimi Maternity with skinny little asses. They confuse me. I simultaneously loathe them and am fascinated by their diminutive rumpuses in their skinny maternity jeans, which, I must point out, are an oxymoron. How do they DO that? More importantly, why do I covet their freakishly tiny bums?

Much like the last time, my bosoms have blossomed 2 additional cup sizes. The boobage cups runneth over. And under. And around. I have newfound empathy for women who are well endowed in their normal state. I have divets in my shoulders, and a sore back. It's not so much fun. I remember last time being about 8 months along, and holding up my old bras, thinking they looked just insanely tiny. I was sure I would never, ever wear anything that small again. Yet miraculously, they shrank back down, and then some.

There is so much weirdness to all of this business of incubating of humans.

I recall hobbling my stitched-up, flabby self into Target 2 days after giving birth to Maggie in a joyous and tentative momentary escape from all consuming infant care. I got an ogle from a man with questionably low standards. The shock to my system of being seen (or more accurately, objectified), once again, as a woman with perhaps a small iota of sex appeal, was almost as shocking to me as the freakish pleasure I derived noticing. Noticing that I was being viewed by some pervy guy as an object possessing feminine wiles once again.

That creepy post-partum woman-ogler guy put the spring right back in my step. What in the WORLD does that say about me? Oy vey.

I swore three ways to Tuesday that I would eat healthy, and have less weight to lose this time around. The trouble is that I just flat out don't want to cook. By the time I have composed a healthy meal, I am usually too tired or grossed out to eat it. This leaves takeout. Which is not so healthy. Plus, I am really REALLY into bacon.

Ironically, I have received messages from the Twin Cities Marathon, and the Urban Wildlife half marathon in the last 3 days. Ha. HAHAHA.

It's best to just let all forms of vanity go at this stage. Beyond a good haircut and some lipstick at least. I haven't sunk so law as to resort to mom jeans. I will let that be my bar of success for the time being.


Blogger Prego said...

Hey... Just thought I'd reciprocate the well wishes. Mrs. P can sympathize on the 'expanding horizons' and the gestation related maladies.

Happy to hear your news.


1:22 PM  
Blogger Amanda said...

For whatever it's worth, when I imagine you looking pregnant in my mind, you are totally adorable.

I fucking LOATHE all maternity pants. ALL OF THEM. Thank god you'll be biggest when it's hot and you can just throw on a dress!

5:07 PM  
Blogger mothergoosemouse said...

Maternity wear sucks ass. Seriously, I was into the XL pants by the third trimester, and you know that I'm normally fairly petite. And I have yet to give birth to Tacy's twin who is still lodged in my ass.

But I had to giggle about the gratification of objectification. I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit though.

5:55 PM  
Blogger Jerri said...

Have you tried the low-riding maternity pants. They are awesome, my youngest is 2 1/2 and I'm still wearing mine and my shorts too. J.C.Penny makes some that are great! Some even have that string..

9:08 PM  
Blogger jenB said...

Check out Landsend for maternity clothes, they have an Overtocks section even!

And I understand the weather thing. erg ugh aiigh!

AND AND I also suspect you are cute as a button regardless.

7:46 AM  
Anonymous midlife mommy said...

If it makes you feel any better, I envy you. I went from a 38D to a 40G, and that is where they stayed. I'm hoping that if I ever stop breastfeeding before college, they will shrink at least a little.

12:21 PM  
Blogger Amanda said...

Old Navy yoga pants. Before, during, after, always. H&M's maternity line is pretty great too.
I have a 2.5 year old and an 11 month old. Seriously flirting with a third. That lower back pain, damn I wish you wouldn't have reminded me. I hope you find great pants, a different kind of wonder bra and loads of prepackaged meal options.

6:49 PM  
Blogger Minivan Bohemian said...

My husband thought my post-partum new porno-star boobies were arousing. So, I guess that he is um, that pervy kinda guy. Thank God he waited months to tell me. No jury would have convicted me, though. (Nasty baby-belly flacid, flab, pnuemonia, c-section, no-sleep, and a case of post-partum depression surely is a great defense for homicide, right?

9:54 AM  
Blogger Mary Tsao said...

A late congratulations! Are you going to show up at BlogHer all cute and pregers? You can make a sandwich board that reads "will blog for air conditioning". hahaha. I crack myself up.

I understand completely about the not wanting to cook, eat, or see any healthy food while pregnant. I say indulge in whatever you want, bacon lady! You can always run that marathon next year (or the year after...)

Happy for you!

2:32 PM  
Anonymous TB said...

Yes, yes and yes. I feel you sister. And let me tell you, a few trips to a prenatal chiropractor will totally take care of that pain in your ass.

Also don't forget the power of a pedicure.

4:44 PM  

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