Where did Attila the Hun come from?
Apparently, Attila the Hun Sprang forth from the conjoined DNA strands of my husband and me.
The terrible two and three quarters are upon us. I always thought that MY CHILD would never hit the terrible twos. Miss Madge is as sweet as brownies with M&Ms and gumdrops. And ice cream. The days of wine and roses have come to a screeching halt.
Saturday, after the 9th total and complete meltdown, Jim and I were looking at each other like "what the Hell happened to our kid?"
We set a record for number of time-outs in a single day. She screamed ALL DAY LONG. She hit Jim in the face with a plastic microphone, and then refused to say she was sorry.
She received time-out after time-out until she finally uttered the words “I’m SORRY”. It was a showdown of epic proportions. The old west theme song (you know…ooh-ee-ooh-ee-ooh, WUH-WUH) played in the background as young Madge dug her heels into the Oriental hall runner and screamed with the intense heat of a thousand burning hot suns. The paint on the walls and woodwork blistered as hot tears leapt from her eyes and sprayed the walls. She and her father stood face to face, neither backing down, as she repeatedly refused to apologize for nearly taking his teeth out with a cheap plastic microphone.
Then she gave even me a double-handed slap (one on each side of my face). As my friend Jen said “The kids’ got Chutzpah. Chutzpah would be an understatement. OY FREAKING VEY.
After much hand-wringing and wailing, we finally got a mumbled “Sa-wee.”
We finally set her in front of the TV with a bowl of chex mix to watch “Go Diego GO”. We skulked away on tiptoe and spoke to each other in hushed whispers. “What is WRONG with her?" Coupled with some shrugging and head-shaking.
Then, yesterday, she was fine. Right back to her sweet, agreeable self. Until it was time for her bath, that is. She refused to take off her diaper and wailed with alarming indignance "NO!! I HAVE TO POOP REALLY SOON! YOU CAN’T TAKE OFF MY DIAPER!!!" Then she refused to sit in the tub, so I had to wash her hair with her standing up, and me pouring a bucket of water on her head while she shrieked.
Please send in all available reinforcements.