Putting the "MO" in MOFO since 2004

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Thursday, January 03, 2008


Excuse me, I would like a refund please.

There has been a recent proliferation of dairy products designed to “aid digestion”.

I noticed that one of these products advertises a money-back guarantee.

I tried to imagine the conversation required to exchange enough information to communicate the products failure to perform, and the desire for one’s money back:

“Yes, Hello. I would like my money back for your cheese product. I ate it for a week, and it did not make me poop.”

“Okay, I am happy to help you. Let me understand. Our cheese did not make you defecate, and you would like your money back. Is that correct?”

“Yes. I ate your cheese. Then I didn’t poop. Because of this, I would like my money back, please.”

“Okay, great. We just need a little more information. For a refund to be processed, we require some form of proof of your failure to defecate. To ensure that we have enough information, we ask you to verify pressure of the contents in your colon. Please provide us with an address to which we can send our fecal pressure gauge, follow the simple instructions, and return the results to our lab. If the report reflects a manometric pressure of more than 3 pounds per cubic centimeter, your two dollars and forty nine cents will be refunded.

If you happen to have a bowel movement between now and the time you receive your verification kit, we ask to preserve the sample so that our technical staff can study the shape and markings of the fecal matter to estimate the velocity at which the contents of your bowels were extruded.

Our forensic experts will study the markings of your dung and compare them to a test sample. As with bullets fired from a gun, each fecal extrusion posesses markings unique to the individual who fired them. So please, do not attempt to send in matter not belonging to you. We seek first to prove that the matter was produced by your bowels. Next, we test the markings to reveal the colonic pressure estimated upon extrusion. If our forensics team finds the measurement to be above our required level, you will receive a voucher for a product of equal or lesser value.

“Yes, please send me the kit. It is imperative that I receive a refund for my two dollars an forty nine cents. You promised your product would make me poop, and your product did not, in fact, make me poop. Therefore, it is well within my rights to request a full refund. Thank you.”

“We look forward to hearing from you. Please do not hesitate to contact us with questions.”

“I appreciate your help. Thank you.”


Blogger Rose said...

I just had to say HA!
And also, you seem to have caught my "BlogHer only ever links to me when I talk about poop" bug. Sorry!

12:39 PM  
Blogger Carrien said...

So, your day job is writing south park episodes right?

1:00 PM  
Blogger Karly said...

Have you been TAPPING MY PHONE?

4:02 PM  
Blogger Daisy said...

Ah, the "aids digestion" gimmick. They know, just know that we won't call for a refund.

5:34 PM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

Awesome. Pitch it to SNL. You know, if you're willing to cross the picket line, I hear they're looking.

5:49 PM  
Blogger scribbler said...


7:13 PM  

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