Putting the "MO" in MOFO since 2004

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Wednesday, September 07, 2005

 

Morning in Hell. I mean MALL. Morning in MALL.

I now know what boredom and incessant rain and living in the suburbs will drive a person to. This morning I officially became a MALL WALKER. I went to the Godforsaken Mall this morning just to have a place to walk around. THE FUCKING MALL, PEOPLE. I wandered around even before the stores opened because I was so mind numbingly bored. I thought to myself "Why on God's green earth don't they open the Mall earlier?"

I have been a stay at home mom for 6 days now. I took most of the week off to hang out with Maggie. It has rained on and off all weekend and I am damn near ready to lose my last marble. I do not know how people can stay at home with their kids in the winter in Minnesota. You can't go outside for like 5 months out of the year. No wonder people here can be a bit odd.

Now, don't get me wrong. I love my daughter and I have loved the getting into the rhythm of spending every day with her. I must admit though, that being able to go outside and walk around with her is the key to my sanity. When it's too rainy to go outside, Mommy goes full-on kuckoo nuts. Thus, the MALL WALKING.

Observations from my morning of Mall Walking:

Those kiosk's that are all made up of 50 gumball machines are a good way to entertain your child when you are waiting for Mall stores to lift their gates. You just circle the stroller around the stand over and over and let her slapslapslap all the colorful runt and sourball filled globes until Baby Gap opens.

If I was a stay at home mom, we would be penniless, but we would have a house loaded to the gills with crap from the mall.

What the Fuck is up with Yankee Candle Company? It reeks that rank dime store candle funk for a 10 yard radius around that store. Who buys those ugly stinky candles? Who? Tell me! who?

My daughter inherited my awful wide feet and high arches. She is 12 months old and already wears wide stride rites.

No I don't want to try on lotion from Miracle of the dead sea. Thanks anyways.

That pregnant lady with a stroller who raced to beat me in line at the pretzel stand seemed to be in a huge hurry UNTIL it was time for her to order. Then she stood in front of me and stared mindlessly at the menu with me growing more and more irritated behind her. Stupid fucking pregnant lady with stroller. Man, I wanted a pretzel but by the time I walked away in disgust I wanted to bean her in the head with a pretzel more than I wanted to eat one. She was perhaps the most irritating mall walker in all the mall.

I dread the day Maggie wants to wear clothes from Limited Too. They are totally hoochie mama. Yak. Eight year olds do not need asspants! No one should be looking at their eight year old butts anyways. What the Hell is wrong with people?

Like Chris Rock says "You gotta keep 'em off the pole!" and Limited Too is the last stop in pre-adolescence before pole-ville U.S.A. God help everyone trying to keep their girls off the pole. Word.

9 Comments:

Anonymous Annie said...

Do not be ripping on the Limited Too. They are doing their part to help turn cute little girls into trashy young women.

Because, hey, strippers age too. And who's going to take their place when they get too old to swing around that pole if we don't start slutting up the youth of America?

And I have no idea who buys stuff from the Yankee Candle Company. People who have almost completely lost their sense of smell?

10:38 AM  
Blogger EverydaySuperGoddess said...

More specifically, overpriced hoochie mama crap.

My girls had an unfortunate but mercifully brief obsession with Limited Too.

I guess it's better than goth.

11:19 AM  
Blogger Mary Tsao said...

I smell ya about the Yankee Candle Company. How do they stay in business? I've also wondered who could stand to work there. Are their nose buds broken?

I've spent money in the Limited Too. I bought my cousin's daughter a relatively un-trashy yet decidedly expensive track suit there. I wanted to be the cool aunt and I got my wish. My cuz said that daughter SLEPT in the outfit I got her and THEN wore it to school the next day.

*Sigh*. I don't mind being a cool aunt but I'm not sure I want to be a cool mom.

3:30 PM  
Blogger mothergoosemouse said...

I gave the 20% off Limited Too coupon to our next door neighbor (who is 8 years old). I dread the day that Tacy wants to shop there.

Dude, my husband buys from Yankee Candle. And I can tell you for a fact that his smell buds are broken - how else did he live with those two cats for as long as he did?

And I SWEAR he is hetero, despite the cats and the candles. Both of which are no longer allowed in our house.

3:58 PM  
Blogger AverageMom said...

I feel for you, I really do. I am a SAHM, and I have NO MALL. That's right, no place to walk. And winter here is a bitch. I pace the house, pretending it's somewhere interesting.

8:46 PM  
Blogger cmhl said...

my goal as well is to keep my daughter off the pole. she loves to dance, and also unfortunately loves to strip off all of her clothes as soon as she gets in the door. but, she is three, so maybe there is still hope.. haha.

6:47 AM  
Blogger Mindy said...

If what you say is true, how much time/hope is left for my daughter?

6:30 PM  
Blogger missjackie said...

My much younger sisters are just exiting their pre-teens and hitting high-schooldom. I hate it. They got MySpace and everything and there they are sucking on lollipops in their photos with the profile claim: "You are next on my To Do list."

Kids grow up so fast; clothing lines only seem to help in this process. It bothers me -- they were my little baby sisters not so long ago, now it's time for the birds and the bees talk.

8:25 PM  
Blogger missjackie said...

By the way, it was the Limited Too comment that got me on that previous tangent. :-)

8:26 PM  

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