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Monday, June 06, 2005


Willie Winkie

My friend Becky called Saturday afternoon and said that her very sweet and very active 3 1/2 year old son was driving her batty and she needed to get out of the house. He had just basically punched her in the face as hard as he could. His explanation for this was "Spank Mommy's nose!"

Needless to say she needed a break, and fortunately for her son, she was not afraid to admit it.
Becky dropped her son off at her parents and came over to our place for dinner. My husband Jim had also invited his friend Todd (otherwise known as Willie) over. Becky, Willie, Jim and I had dinner, I put Maggie to bed and we moved on to the patio where much wine drinking ensued.

Becky began to tell us about an her son's penchant for self-exploration. In other words, he really likes to hold his winkie. From what I hear, this is common for little boys who are 3 1/2 years old. It should come as no shock to anyone at all familiar with boys of this age that they really enjoy hanging on to their stuff. If I had stuff like that and I was 3 1/2 you had better beleive I would be grasping with mucho gusto.

At any rate, earlier that afternoon Becky gave her son an Icee pop, and instructed him to eat it in the backyard to avoid making a big mess. The next thing Becky knew, her sister walked in saying something to the effect of "You had better go get Grant, he is touching himself in full view of the neighbors." Becky retrieved her progeny and brought him and his winkie inside where they could spend some quality time together without offending any onlookers.

Upon hearing this story both Jim and I insisted that Becky had nothing to worry about. Winkie wielding is very normal at that age. In fact, I am pretty sure it's not even sexual. As Jim informed us, masturbation does not manifest itself as a habit until at least 8 years old.

Willie listened intently to all of this and said flatly "I never did that."
We all looked at eachother like "yeah......right you didn't".
Todd kept insisting that he had no recollection of holding himself. In fact, he seemed to specifically remember NOT holding himself.

Much mockery ensued. We informed Willie that unless he was a 3 year old miniature repressed puritian, there was no way in Hell he never played with himself. The more we insisted that he had wielded the winkie, the more he insisted that he hadn't. He had never kept habits so base as self-grasping. What kind of sick kid holds his own weewee?

Not Willie. Willie never held his own weewee.

For the record: Willie never held his own winkie. End of story.

And no, we still don't believe you.


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