Putting the "MO" in MOFO since 2004

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Tuesday, July 05, 2005


A Letter of Apology to Tilly the Boxer from Rainier, the Labrador retriever

Dear Tilly,

Jim and Meghan, the people that feed me and provide me shelter, told me I had two options. Have a cap busted in my two-bit canine ass, or write a letter of apology to you. I am very sorry for attacking you and ferociously biting your ear and making you bleed all over the back yard. I am sorry for scaring the freaking bejeezus out of you and your owners. Owners who include two lovely adults, and one adorable (and now, sadly, likely psychologically scarred for life) five-year-old boy.

I am sorry that you can’t stay here while your owners are in Las Vegas because I am a giant smelly A-hole of a mongrel. I am sorry they had to spend 45 minutes crouched over you trying to stop the bleeding, and bandaging your torn ear. I am sorry that I made Julie cry, and I am sorry for the spectacular dry aged steaks your owners brought. The spectacular steaks that were meant as a thank you for dog-sitting but were instead eaten in a post-traumatic “thanks for nearly killing our dog and leaving us without a place to keep our beloved family pet while we are on vacation” meal. Your owners are gracious people indeed.

I have no manners. I have Obsessive compulsive disorder. I have Oppositional Defiant Disorder, a Dysfunctional Authoritarian personality, Intermittent Explosive Disorder, and I lack impulse control. This all stems from the time I was taken home by a family and returned a month later because their daughter was allergic to me.
That plus I am a royal A-hole. I’m real sorry.

On the bright side, it was a good opportunity to teach a 5-year old the ins and outs of first aid, and a lesson in why it’s not a good idea to approach strange dogs.

Please accept my apology. Now maybe my owners will change their minds about selling me to dogfighting gang members. They already cut off my balls, so I fear that would be the only suitable next course of action.

Please accept my apology. Ruff.



Blogger Chris said...

Definately one of your best!

10:55 AM  
Blogger Katie Burke said...

I am sitting here in a coffee shop on a crowded sofa (we all want a spot on the sofa, so we are all just sort of sitting in a row, two strangers and myself), and I just laughed my ass off the whole time I read this. Rainier is SO busted. Not only did you clearly dish out your own personal discipline to him ... but you took the added step of humiliating him by picture AND story on the Internet, thereby GUARANTEEING that he will never misbehave in this way again. Nice move.

Busted, Rainier. BUSTED.

I am so shocked by such aggressive behavior by a lab! I am totally biased toward labs, having grown up with them exclusively. I would never own anything else. I am shocked by Rainier's Pitt-Bullian behavior.

12:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

well said.

12:55 PM  
Anonymous Jenny said...

Oh, no! Trauma for everyone!

3:16 PM  
Blogger missjackie said...

I especially like the picture. The flowers in the background make the look on Rainer's face more sincere and apologetic.

6:15 PM  
Blogger Susie Lee said...

I've started a blog about Oppositional Disorder and although it is a very serious order, I thought this was a great post to add some humor to our days. Thanks for the great post :)

4:52 PM  

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