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Monday, October 10, 2005

 

My fauna is just fine, thank you.

Jim and I have been on a detox diet for 2 days now. It is not going well.

What is a detox diet you may ask? I will tell you what is NOT in a detox diet. Caffeine, dairy, sugar, flour, corn, wheat, wheat gluten, eggs, meat, alcohol and chocolate are all things not allowed in a detox diet.

That means we can eat fruits, vegetable, nuts and olive oil. And basically nothing else. We went to the co-op thinking we would find some good snacks there. Nope. Damn near everything contains corn or eggs or wheat gluten of some kind. We ended up with rice crackers and Hummus.

We are drinking large quantities of water with lemon, and we are taking things called charcoal pills and capsules laden with some kind of bacteria that promotes intestinal fauna. Intestinal fauna. If that doesn’t leave you with a bizarre visual, well, I just don’t know what would.

One might think that purging all those nasty toxins from your system would make a person feel spectacularly good. I should be singing bare-chested from mountain tops. I should be leaping about and yodeling with the vigor of a person ten years my junior.

I have never felt like such colossal motherfucking shit in my life. My throat hurts, my head throbs, and I am walking around feeling more nauseated than a Dramamine starved flu-ridden passenger on the love boat in a hurricane.

All I want is a pepperoni pizza with extra cheese, and I don’t usually just daydream about pepperoni pizza.

Yesterday, I was practically frothing at the mouth like a crazed, rabid raccoon. I watched and waited, irritable as all get out, for Jim to make the smallest mis-step. Then I gave him a verbal lashing three ways to Tuesday. He left pistachio nut shells on the counter. Maggie got into them. I went into an absolute tizzy. Obscenities flew. Neighbors ducked for cover. Jim put a can of peas and carrots in the refrigerator with the top off and they spilled all over the floor as I extracted an eggplant from the four foot pile of eggplants. I absolutely freaked out. The dogs burrowed holes under the pine trees in the back yard to hide.

All I want to do is take a nap and you can’t just take a nap when you are responsible for the care and feeding of a 13 month old.

If living healthy feels like this, then I want nothing more to do with it. Hand me a slab of beef jerky, a loaf of wonderbread and a hunk of cheese the size of my head. I want a martini in one hand and a cigarette in the other faster than you can say carcinogenic.

I am giving this one more day, and it’s back to pizza and beer before I hurt someone.

Now please excuse me. I am off to gnaw on almond butter and apples.

5 Comments:

Anonymous reachdabbleshine said...

Are you sleuthing for all refined carbs in the food you are eating? If your body ingests even the slightest amount, you will keep triggering the suffering you are currently enduring :~(

Check out Walt Stoll at AskWalt Stoll.com and take a look at his article Sugar vs. Refined Carbs, if you're interested.

Been there, done that and it feels soooooooo much better on the other side :~) Hang in there!!

10:51 AM  
Blogger Denise said...

Why exactly are you going so extreme? I'm so confused. I'm all for cutting out refined carbs and reducing sugar but is life worth living if all you can eat are nuts, veggies and fruit? ;-)

There's a Gluten Free blog that's terrific, I'm not a Gluten Free woman but I enjoy reading the entries everyday. http://glutenfreegirl.blogspot.com/

3:33 PM  
Blogger mothergoosemouse said...

I will ask the same question, but more bluntly: Why the fuck are you doing this? I know you are not unhealthy. Why go to such an extreme?

But if you insist - hummus is great; try it with carrots.

And if it makes you feel any better - had Kyle committed either of those offenses (the uncovered can - I'll berate you regarding the canned veggies later when you are in better spirits - and the pistachio shells), regardless of how many martinis I had had - I would have freaked out. Considering the circumstances, I think you showed great restraint.

If you do not get back on the beer soon, I will personally come to MN and hydrate you properly.

5:41 PM  
Anonymous Jen said...

try this:
*heat 2TBS olive oil in whatever you use to cook soup in
*put in a chopped onion, some garlic, one or two diced peeled sweet potatoes, and sautee at medium for five minutes
*add 1 tsp salt, cook another 5 minutes
*add 2 tsp paprika, 1 tsp. tumeric, 1 tsp basil, dash each of cinnamon and cayenne, and a bay leaf along with 3 cups of water. Cover, simmer 15 minutes
*add a can of chopped or pureed tomatoes, a chopped bell pepper (I like red ones) and a can of chick peas
*Cover, simmer 10 more minutes

It's really pretty good, and I think will work on your detox. Maybe. Good luck.

Aren't you supposed to feel like shit because all the garbage is exiting your system? I don't know, even though I do live in northern california, I don't have nearly the willpower to do more than cut out dairy for an hour or two here and there.

11:39 PM  
Blogger Mike Eberhart said...

If you are really into the whole Gluten-Free thing, I dedicate my Gluten Free Blog to exploring some of the news and science behind Celiac disease.

Some of my articles are on my main personal blog too (when I forget to post on the other site), like this one article where I talk about good news for celiac sufferers.

Hope someone finds the info helpful.

7:42 AM  

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