Putting the "MO" in MOFO since 2004

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Wednesday, June 08, 2005


Femspot: The Final Frontier

I realized the other day that there exists a line in advertising that has yet to be crossed. There is a subject so tabu, it's ingrained in us to never discuss it in detail. Ever. I am talking about menstruation ladies. It happens approximately every 28 days to 1/2 of the female population and no one wants to talk about it. They want to sell you stuff to try to adress various issues related to the phenomena, but they don't want to talk about exactly what those issues are.

I am often baffled and amused by the way advertisers dance around the minefield of distaste regarding the subject in advertisements for feminine hygeine products. Most recently, while working up a sweat on the elliptical machine at the gym, I saw one in particular that struck me as really walking the line, yet not crossing it. Why don't they just cross it and get it over with for God's sake?

In the commercial a woman armed with a microphone waits in the Feminine hygeine aisle of a local store. Unsuspecting female shoppers approach to peruse the assorment of pads, liners, tampons, plugs, buckets, mops and foggers available to women to help them throught the apparent distress and utter chaos of their periods.

Woman with microphone: "Do you ever notice that your pads feels, umm... Wet?"

Well Dressed shopper with perfect hair and makeup: Looks over her shoulder to make sure no one is listening to her comments on the tabu subject "Well, um.... Yes! Yes I notice sometimes it does feel wet!"

Woman with microphone: "Can I show you something?" She takes a pad, squirts it with clear blue liquid, wipes it on the lapel of her suit and goes "Here! See? It's dry!"

Well Dressed Shopper with perfect hair and makeup: "Oh! WOW! That's Great! I'll take three!"

Why is it always clear blue liquid? Why not yellow (pee) ? Orange (too close to yellow: pee) ? Brown (poop - duh)? Green (poop or alarmingly green pee)?
Okay, I just answered my own question. Blue seems to be the only color that we do not associate with an unsavory bodily function.

May I suggest a more realistic series of events:

Woman with microphone: "Do you ever notice that sometimes your pad feels, umm... wet?"

Shopper with no bra who has yet to brush her teeth that day: "....What the Fuck??" slowly backs out of the aisle.

Or another scenario:

Woman with microphone: "Do you ever notice that sometimes your pad feels, ummm... wet?"

Braless shopper: "Yes! Yes I do!, Especially on the second day of my period when I get really crampy and I can't seem to stop pooping! Then the blood and fluid flooding out of my hoohoo and onto my pad with great velocity feels REALLY wet! Did I mention the SMELL? Like someone slaughtered a school of carp and left them in a Glad Bag in the hot August sun! Do you have any kind of aerosol for that? One time I had PMS so bad, I ate an entire box of nutter butters and tried to put my son in the dryer! And don't get me started on the BLOATING! I look like a kielbasa infected with botulism, practically BURSTING out of my sweatpants! Do you have anything for that too?"

Woman with microphone: :"......What the Fuck??" Slowly backs out of the aisle.

I mean, if they are going to act like all of it so so unbearable that you must buy their product they may as well embellish things a bit. All the covert, hush hush, blue fluid stuff does not make watching it next to the guy you just started dating any less embarassing. Women have been terrorized too long by this nonsense. That's my unsolicited opinion!


Blogger missjackie said...

Love it! Love it! Love it!

I am glad also that I am not the only one who finds herself amused by commercials (i.e. what they say, what they don't say).

Blog on!

11:32 PM  
Blogger Katie Burke said...

You are HILARIOUS! I would LOVE to make the weird survey lady back out of the aisle by giving her the real scoop. And I ALWAYS go to the grocery store braless. Teeth always brushed ... but never the hair.

12:11 AM  
Blogger JB said...

LOL--Great Post!

6:50 AM  
Blogger missjackie said...

BTW I liked this post so much that I Blog This'd it on mine. I also made reference to the helmet piece, which I thought was good too.

Blog on!

7:52 AM  

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