Mange
Maggie and I spent the afternoon at my parents house yesterday. She entertained herself by chasing Ernie, their itchy balding Shetland Sheepdog around the kitchen center island.
She toddled after him maniacally and he did his best to avoid contact, choosing to wait until she was on the other side of the counter to take a momentary pit stop allowing me to pet him. As she rounded the bend, he would make a hasty exit and avoid having what is left of his patchy fur pulled by her sticky chubby little fists. There was much happy shrieking.
Each time she rounded the island and caught glimpse of him she would scream in zany delight and he would leap away in the blink of an eye saying “dude, I’m outta here. That kid gives me the heebies” to which I replied:
“No Ernie, you do not have the heebies. What you have is what was misdiagnosed as the MANGE. The Mange is apparently spread by Coyotes in the U.P. of Michigan. It makes your fur fall out in chunks so we can all view your fully exposed bald dog balls every time you pick up again with that compulsive scratch scratch scratching. It also makes you look like your tail is about to fall off due exposure to Chernobyl –esque radiation leaving the top of your tail totally bald but the remainder of it fluffy, if not dull and dingy. Much like an inverted scraggly brown feather duster attached to your ass. But instead of a handle, it’s your freaky looking bald tail. This MANGE was in fact, later diagnosed as something as pedestrian as ALLERGIES. ALLERGIES. Not the Mange, and certainly not the heebies. Though the Mange sounds much more exciting. Like something you would catch in prison, or from spending time in questionable company. If anyone should be running in fear, it should be Maggie and I running from your crazy looking bald self, not you. Now go get yourself some cortisone or benadryl before you go totally bald and start scaring the neighbor children, gather your dignity and pick up the pieces for freaks sake.”
Ernie will have to wait until the first frost to seek treatment due to airborne allergens. We are all hoping for an early winter.
She toddled after him maniacally and he did his best to avoid contact, choosing to wait until she was on the other side of the counter to take a momentary pit stop allowing me to pet him. As she rounded the bend, he would make a hasty exit and avoid having what is left of his patchy fur pulled by her sticky chubby little fists. There was much happy shrieking.
Each time she rounded the island and caught glimpse of him she would scream in zany delight and he would leap away in the blink of an eye saying “dude, I’m outta here. That kid gives me the heebies” to which I replied:
“No Ernie, you do not have the heebies. What you have is what was misdiagnosed as the MANGE. The Mange is apparently spread by Coyotes in the U.P. of Michigan. It makes your fur fall out in chunks so we can all view your fully exposed bald dog balls every time you pick up again with that compulsive scratch scratch scratching. It also makes you look like your tail is about to fall off due exposure to Chernobyl –esque radiation leaving the top of your tail totally bald but the remainder of it fluffy, if not dull and dingy. Much like an inverted scraggly brown feather duster attached to your ass. But instead of a handle, it’s your freaky looking bald tail. This MANGE was in fact, later diagnosed as something as pedestrian as ALLERGIES. ALLERGIES. Not the Mange, and certainly not the heebies. Though the Mange sounds much more exciting. Like something you would catch in prison, or from spending time in questionable company. If anyone should be running in fear, it should be Maggie and I running from your crazy looking bald self, not you. Now go get yourself some cortisone or benadryl before you go totally bald and start scaring the neighbor children, gather your dignity and pick up the pieces for freaks sake.”
Ernie will have to wait until the first frost to seek treatment due to airborne allergens. We are all hoping for an early winter.
3 Comments:
I have never, ever heard of a dog with allergies. I'd just like to say, the dogs in your family have issues. Real issues. I think you might need a doggie shrink for them.
I run, too, when I see that look in Madge's eyes. That kids pulls HARD.
Poor, poor Ernie. It does not sound like a good look, particularly for a guy dog. Usually there's no rush for winter in Minnesota!
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