Putting the "MO" in MOFO since 2004

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Friday, August 12, 2005


Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

This morning began like any other. I awoke to the sounds of Maggie chattering away in her crib at 6:00 a.m.. I got up bleary eyed, let the dogs out and fed them, made the coffee, and prepared Madge’s breakfast bottle. Had the usual early a.m. playtime with Madge which consists of her drinking her bottle, sloshing it around, dropping it on the bed, crawling to the edge of the bed to precariously dangle a limb off the side until I pull her back in. Lather, rinse, repeat.

She approaches me as though coming in for a hug, but instead grabs a fistful of hair in her sticky little hand and pulls AS HARD AS SHE CAN. It hurts. I say “NO MAGGIE!” in my most stern voice, and grab her hand. She stops abruptly, looks at me wide eyed, pauses, and breaks out in uproarious gleeful sinister laughter. My miniature masochist. Again, lather, rinse repeat.

I put her in baby jail while I shower. She begins to bellyache from the boredom and I remove her from her crib and let her roam around a little as I dry my hair. We are pretty well baby-proofed so she has the run of the kitchen, the hallway and the bathroom, at least while I am in it.

She toddles back to me in the bathroom, grinning with all the might and magical powers of her juicy fat little cheeks. She has what appears to be a soggy raisin stuck to the front of her thermal t-shirt. She also has remnants of this substance smeared on her nose and mouth. I pluck it off and toss it in the garbage. Then the smell hits me. It’s POOP. POOP. My daughter has ingested POOP. Where for the love of GOD did Maggie find POOP in the house?

We keep a clean home. When I say clean, I mean my husband should buy stock in Clorox and soft scrub with bleach, because we keep them in business.

There, on the kitchen floor is the smear of poo. Evidence of the source. The source which seems to have been tracked in by the shoe of an unknowing accomplice.

I hold back the vomit as I frantically wipe the POOP from her face and hands. MY BABY! SHE ATE POOP!!! I KNOW SHE ATE POOP BECAUSE SHE IS BREATHING HOT POOPY BREATH ON ME!!! AAAAGH!!!!!! ACK! HACK! BLECH! YYYUUUUUCCCCKKKKKK!!!”

I wonder to myself “Can you give Listerine to an eleven month old? No. There’s alcohol in Listerine. Toothpaste? Gum? Bleach? Soap? HELP!! MOTHERFUCK! MY BABY ATE POOP!!!!! MY BABY ATE POOP!!! ”

I resort to frantic scrubbing with soapy washcloth. I give her a cracker. I throw up a little in my mouth.

I finish getting ready, and get her in the car, Praying that grandma doesn’t notice the smell. What kind of a mother let’s her child eat poop?

The kind of mother who let’s her child pull her hair and then laugh maniacally at her. Yeah. That kind of mother.


Blogger Amanda said...

At least it wasn't HER poop!

8:56 AM  
Anonymous Jenny said...

OMG, Maggie! Ewww!

I really should post about the time I...

Okay, I'm going to post about it right now. Hee!

10:29 AM  
Blogger posthipchick said...

if it makes you feel better, it's very common with dogs.
ok, gagging here, must run.

12:44 PM  
Blogger AM said...

Wow. What a story. See, these are the things that they don't tell new mothers--what exactly you're supposed to do if your child eats poop. I don't have kids yet, but I would've had no idea what to do. I'm just surprised you didn't take her to the hospital. I probably would've--well done.

3:22 PM  
Anonymous Kari said...

Oh my gosh. Mortifying and scary!

My son once ate goat poop at the zoo. I was running around looking for a docent, but my husband was like "what is the docent going to tell you?" So we washed his mouth out as much as possible, but I was so scared he was going to end up with some horrific bacterial stomach infection or something.

He was fine.

5:15 PM  
Blogger cubmommy said...

OMG, I would have totally freaked out!

So far my kids haven't eaten poop that I know of but my oldest has played with his poop.

5:59 PM  
Anonymous ae said...

Meghan, so sorry! My co-worker's niece did the same thing. And another friend of hers -- Oh God, I can barely say it -- ate (really, people, sit down, get some ginger ale; I apologize in advance) a piece of dead squirrel!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

Happy to report that both were fine. Apparently babies have stomach acid like little goats. Oy.

7:47 PM  
Anonymous Annie said...

Eww. I hear that ingesting... umm... that kids ingesting that sort of thing, while not the norm, isn't all that unusual. Not that that makes you feel any better, I'm sure.

My friend was talking on the phone one day, when she saw her 4 year old go in the bathroom. He could go by himself and all, so she didn't think much of it. She had her back to the bathroom door when he reemerged, so when she turned around and found him whimpering "Mommy! Mommy!" and holding out his hand, she assumed that he had gotten a boo boo or something. She bent down and kissed it, when suddenly the smell made her realize it wasn't so much a boo boo as it was... err... something else.

1:20 AM  
Blogger jenB said...

from what i read in mom blogger land, it seems all kids eat poop. mine eats dirt mostly, but would probably eat some poop if offered. you are a good mom. :-)

11:59 PM  
Blogger Donna said...


Well, at least she gave you some great material for the blog...

9:46 AM  
Blogger Prego said...

Ah, the insidious sh*t-shoe. You might want to shelve this story when she gets to school-age, lest she get festooned with a moniker such as "Toilet-Breath," "Turdburglar" or "Mierdasaurus Rex."

All kidding aside, my older son pulled a couple Jackson Pollock moments on his bedsheets when he was a baby. Lord knows if the other one will follow suit. I've already had to change a diaper with one hand while keeping his two away from Dook-ville.

1:49 PM  
Blogger Sara said...

Thank you for blogging this. Ugh. I just changed my son's diaper and my 8-month old daughter picked up a piece of the poop and ate it. Ugh. I was so grossed out!
I gave her a drink of water and I think she'll be okay, but ugh!!!

10:07 PM  
Anonymous Missy said...

don't worry dear, I have you beat (not proud of that). My 10 mo son LOVES water and he LOVES toilet water. I try to keep the lids down, but I have 3 & 4 yo girls who aren't the best at putting the lids down OR FLUSHING all the time. Today, my son got in the beloved toilet and there happened to be floaters in there that were all over him and in his mouth... NASTY!!! I told him NO and he cried, but then I had to put him in the bath which I think he just saw it as a reward.

5:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

well this has become a huge problem for my 2 year old. But much worse she smears her poop all over the floor into the carpet and all over her toys. I caught her the other day with it smeared all on her bottle like she had been sucking poop off the nipple...she is constantly eating her own poop and i am at my wits end if you know of anything that would help or if anyone else reading this does please email me regarding "poop eating" at iamjacksanger@hotmail.com

12:41 PM  
Blogger Shoshana said...

I googled this because I think my son got a handfull of poop on his hands. The question is if he ate some, how mcch?

1:31 PM  
Anonymous Ali's mom said...

I googled this, too because I think my 15 month old daughter may have eaten a little bit of her own poop tonight. I let her run around for a little bit naked because she has pretty bad diaper rash and I've always read to let the air get to it. Well, she was in her playroom and I was putting laundry away in her room. When I came into the playroom, I saw it and it was EVERYWHERE! I found it in places where it had to have been on her hands in order to get there. I was trying to find out if she will be okay or if I should call the doctor or what (I'm a first-time mom). Sounds like she's going to be fine?

7:30 PM  

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