Damn Straight I Like Martha Stewart. You Got a Problem With That?

Peeps, I think Mama’s lost her snark. I have been loaded to the gills with introspective bullshit about homeless people and Katrina victims and “woe is me”, “the entire world is falling apart” and “I loathe spending 8 hours a day in this Godforsaken Hellhole getting my little puppy face shamefully rubbed in someone else’s doo-doo”.

All of this existential angst and pondering, blah blah blah……. It’s HOOEY! HOOEY I TELL YOU!

Fuck it people. It’s time for some fun. Do you know what it's time for?
It’s time for the emancipation of Motherfucking Mama:

Yeah, I like Martha Stewart. You Got a Problem With That? You think that’s funny? Cuz I got something funny for you. YOUR MAMA! Now that’s funny. And don’t be dissin me for copping her haircut. Miz Martha has the same luscious thick locks that I do and I know y’all are just a bunch of jealous Martha wannabes anyways! With flat ass hair! My hair is just like Martha’s and it looks GOOD. And all y’all just wish you had the poncho the fine lady got knitted by her bunkie in the can. No she didn’t jack it! Martha’s ace-duce hooked her up! You know you covet that poncho because it looks so fly and you all know you can’t have it and you don’t have the hair to be wearing it anyways.

Now, now. It’s gonna be allright. Now stop that! Stop your crying! Know why? Because Martha’s down with P-diddy and she can teach you how to make that damn bed right! Damn Straight! She can make all the shelves in your crib look real nice and decorative because Martha can do all of this shit herself. She can do that shit herself AND she can show all you fools how to do the shit just like she does! She’d just down like that! Now do you see why the woman is fly? Martha is fly! Martha can get rid of all the nasty stains in your crib and you KNOW YOU GOT EM BITCHES! She will show you how!

Now, baby, don’t feel bad. Miss Martha understands. The bitch can make a gourmet meal from ketchup packets and chicken wings from the vending machine in the clink for fuck’s sake. She turned her zoo-zoos into a nice meal for her poncho knitting Bunkie. She didn’t need a shank because the bitch just kept whipping up delicious ketchup wings! The woman can make a fart in Hell turn into a rainbow in paradise. Martha’s got magical powers just like that. And she will share them with you.

Now do you see? Do you see why Martha is fly? Martha is the SHIT, people. She can crawl out of prison looking more fine than she did when she walked in. And THEN she can cop a gig with NBC for some serious c-notes. THAT my friends, is why I like Martha Stewart. Shoot.