Putting the "MO" in MOFO since 2004

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Thursday, September 15, 2005

 

Damn Straight I Like Martha Stewart. You Got a Problem With That?








Peeps, I think Mama’s lost her snark. I have been loaded to the gills with introspective bullshit about homeless people and Katrina victims and “woe is me”, “the entire world is falling apart” and “I loathe spending 8 hours a day in this Godforsaken Hellhole getting my little puppy face shamefully rubbed in someone else’s doo-doo”.

All of this existential angst and pondering, blah blah blah……. It’s HOOEY! HOOEY I TELL YOU!

Fuck it people. It’s time for some fun. Do you know what it's time for?
It’s time for the emancipation of Motherfucking Mama:

Yeah, I like Martha Stewart. You Got a Problem With That? You think that’s funny? Cuz I got something funny for you. YOUR MAMA! Now that’s funny. And don’t be dissin me for copping her haircut. Miz Martha has the same luscious thick locks that I do and I know y’all are just a bunch of jealous Martha wannabes anyways! With flat ass hair! My hair is just like Martha’s and it looks GOOD. And all y’all just wish you had the poncho the fine lady got knitted by her bunkie in the can. No she didn’t jack it! Martha’s ace-duce hooked her up! You know you covet that poncho because it looks so fly and you all know you can’t have it and you don’t have the hair to be wearing it anyways.

Now, now. It’s gonna be allright. Now stop that! Stop your crying! Know why? Because Martha’s down with P-diddy and she can teach you how to make that damn bed right! Damn Straight! She can make all the shelves in your crib look real nice and decorative because Martha can do all of this shit herself. She can do that shit herself AND she can show all you fools how to do the shit just like she does! She’d just down like that! Now do you see why the woman is fly? Martha is fly! Martha can get rid of all the nasty stains in your crib and you KNOW YOU GOT EM BITCHES! She will show you how!

Now, baby, don’t feel bad. Miss Martha understands. The bitch can make a gourmet meal from ketchup packets and chicken wings from the vending machine in the clink for fuck’s sake. She turned her zoo-zoos into a nice meal for her poncho knitting Bunkie. She didn’t need a shank because the bitch just kept whipping up delicious ketchup wings! The woman can make a fart in Hell turn into a rainbow in paradise. Martha’s got magical powers just like that. And she will share them with you.

Now do you see? Do you see why Martha is fly? Martha is the SHIT, people. She can crawl out of prison looking more fine than she did when she walked in. And THEN she can cop a gig with NBC for some serious c-notes. THAT my friends, is why I like Martha Stewart. Shoot.

15 Comments:

Blogger Jenny said...

Love The Martha. Fo Shizzle.

(love you too, funny girl.)

10:14 AM  
Blogger Dee said...

:) Funny. Funny. You forgot to mention baked apples in a microwave by using a plastic knife, water and the cinnamon woman. :)

10:14 AM  
Blogger mothergoosemouse said...

Martha is the shit. And you crack me up!

10:48 AM  
Blogger Prego said...

Until she can roll a fattie with one hand and pop her coochie with reckless abandon, you can have her. My 'ho could bust out a three-course dinner out of a wet sock and a pack of Ramen noodles. True dat.

Plus, where's the jailhouse tattoos? I was at least expecting a pair of dollar signs on each of them bourgeois knockers. That's some Lil' Kim shit right there.

11:31 AM  
Blogger Mary Tsao said...

Martha's been looking mighty fine in her jeans lately. Her jail musta had some good yoga classes. Oh, and she probably put her tat on her titty, cause she's got class not crass.

Martha is the original riot grrl.

1:09 PM  
Blogger Meghan said...

Pop her coochie?

Prego, I don't want to know. I really don't.

1:15 PM  
Blogger Prego said...

It's that suggestive dance from all those hip-hop videos. I'm just playing off your 'urban' vein.

Don't dig Martha..., but you still da girl.

2:33 PM  
Blogger Meghan said...

Hey Prego,

Thanks for the definition. I don't think you are pervy anymore. At least not so much that I should be concerned. In all my prison slang and hip hop lingo that was one term I had no grasp of.

Pretty funny!

9:03 AM  
Blogger Prego said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

10:29 AM  
Anonymous madge said...

Dats sum funny sh*t. Yo. Ahm wit yoo. Mahtha is the shiznit. I love huh.

She was down wit da lock-up for all da diet tips and press-free lady-lovin'. And, for Martha, I just might switch. She could be ma b*tch, anytime, yo.

10:43 AM  
Blogger cmhl said...

word.



I am SO with you--- FUCK IT!! MARTHA IS THE SHIT!!!!

ok, I just screamed that, and will soon be arrested I'm sure. haha.

8:01 AM  
Blogger cmhl said...

hey, I"m going to link to this post-- this is fabulous!!!

8:01 AM  
Blogger jenB said...

i. love. you.

9:31 PM  
Blogger jenB said...

i. love. you.

9:34 PM  
Anonymous pjindy said...

This is simply too much. You have crossed the line and sumbodies gotta tell ya.

Martha Stewart is SHIT, and nowhere near "the shit".
Shit, she has been reinvented this fall: as nice! Too much for this mamma. Sheeeeet.

3:07 PM  

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